We can’t even comprehend what we’re capable of.

If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.”

-Thomas A. Edison

With whatever goal we may have, especially one where you’re going to change your appearance, you can’t even comprehend what you’re capable of, or what your life will become. I say that because the first time I lost the weight – and god I am starting to sound like a guy talking about his glory days in high school when he was going to go pro with football – my entire life changed. That is the reason why I never accept it when my delusional, fearful self-talk tells me I’m okay just the way I am. Even though I’m no supermodel I am a pretty average weight for most women, so I keep trying to tell myself that I look fine and don’t need to change. It also helps your delusions when you have a partner that tells you you’re beautiful and you don’t need to change. Although it sounds sweet, and it is, it is also a source of frustration for me. You know when your partner says you look good but you know you’re not at your best, and what you’d really like is someone to push you. It sounds ridiculous but I have tried to get my husband to tell me the truth about my body because it would push me to work harder. Unfortunately, the fear of a woman’s wrath is too far instilled in most men to undertake that mission. So it is up to me.

Everyones goal weight is different. Everyone has that weight that is ideal to them, and that they picture to be how they look and feel their best. Not everyone is supposed to be size 2, or 4, or even 8. For me I have always felt best when I was around 125, and I am more used to Australian sizing so fitting in to a size 8 jean was my ideal size. When I got myself down to that size a lot of things in my life changed, especially with how people treated me. I know how you look is largely your own perception. Of course you can’t deny what size you are, but depending on your confidence your experience in life, and with others will vary.

Of course part of my experience was that I lost friends. I have found that you really see who your true friends are in the important times of your life, whether it’s a sad time or a time for celebration. Those are the times when people tend to show their true colors. A lot of my friends stopped talking to me and inviting me places, which made me confused. But a lot of people get bitter or jealous when others are doing well because they don’t like how it makes them feel. This is especially true if you’re a woman, because women are brutal and extremely competitive with each other. My best friend at the time told me she was jealous and hated that I was thinner than her, and this was a girl who had been tiny her whole life. I am guilty of that myself because I had a friend lose about 50lbs and they just look completely different! And at first I was so jealous and even angry because I didn’t want to be the only one who was overweight. Misery loves company! But instead of being jealous, I used them as motivation and as a tool for how I could be successful too.

But how others in life react is not important, its about how your life goes from being in black and white, to full color. When you accomplish something that you always dreamed about, it really is like someone just turned the light on in your life. It sounds really corny, but that’s what it’s like. That’s why I included the quote above. When you accomplish something big, not only does it change your life, it removes the blinders from your eyes and just makes you wonder what else you could accomplish. Have you noticed that? You get to your goal and you’re like, “Wow I can’t believe I actually did it! What should I do next?” You just want to think bigger and better.

When I accomplished my goal I went from being completely crippled by my anxiety disorder and hating anything social, to accepting all invitations and loving being around people. I went from being the girl who wanted to leave as soon as she got to the party, to being the one who didn’t want to go home. Even the freedom to dress how you want is life changing. When you can wear the things you love and know that you look good in it, it’s like you’re finally able to truly be yourself and show that to the world. When you’re not happy with yourself, it’s like everything you do is an attempt to hide yourself and shield yourself from the world. That is a very sad place to live in. So that is what I keep reminding myself of when I want to just revert back to my old habits. I think about all the things I don’t do, and avoid because of the place I’m in. And then I think of all the things I would do, and all the opportunities that would open up and the life I would have if I actually lived more purposefully and worked a little harder.

Let’s be rational here.

So, I’m not really sure how to organize what I write about, so it may be quite random. But, since I committed to getting healthy and working towards my goal weight, which was 2 weeks ago, I have lost 7lbs. It may seem like too much weight to lose in 2 weeks but in the initial weeks you tend to suddenly drop a bit of weight because you go from eating like a competitive eater, to a normal person. Or at least that’s the case for me. I haven’t been as hardcore this time around as I was the first time I really got into my health. The first time I went so hardcore that I basically just developed the opposite eating disorder. It wasn’t one of the more common ones like anorexia, or bulimia, it was more about being totally addicted to be healthy. It sounds odd that, that would be an eating disorder, but when it interferes with your life because you refuse to eat out with people then it starts going down that route. I refused to eat anything with oil in it, I completely cut out carbs, I would never eat candy, and a “treat” for me was getting to eat cashew nuts. Yeah…that still doesn’t sound terrible, but if you know anything about nutrition you will know that the body needs sugar, fat, protein, and carbohydrates. You don’t even have to know about nutrition to know that!

One of my classes at uni was for nutrition, and one of our assignments was to track our food in the SuperTracker program online. That website allows you to see whether you reach your daily nutrient intake, and I ended up just completely forging my food log because I didn’t reach any of those quotas! I’m 99.9% sure EVERY one in that class handed in a report that read, “Yes, I totally eat 3 proper, nutritious meals a day with the perfect amount of dairy, protein, and vegetables.” I kept logging in that I had eaten 3 cups of vegetables (which who measures vegetables in cups?), and the logger still said I wasn’t even half way! Of course it did say that I was OD-ing on protein, because I do love my meat, but I’m anemic so….that’s my excuse.

Anyway, this time around I am trying to just be more rational and understand that the Atkin’s diet is a craze that should remain in the 90s, much like the clothes. I’m not even sure if the Atkin’s diet is from the 90s…..My nutrition class just really made me understand the importance of carbohydrates in giving your body fuel, just like it needs oils and sugar. But more importantly, the reality is that once you make food what it should be, which is purely fuel for your body instead of resembling something more like narcotics, then you begin to eat properly. For me overeating is how I deal with anxiety, and more so its about the habituated behavior. And one thing I’ve learn’t is that you can’t just eradicate a bad habit, you can only replace it. With any change you want to make you can’t just change that one aspect of your life, success really seems to come with rearranging your life so that all things are in alignment with your goal. For me with eating it has been about changing when and where I eat, how I spend my free time, and choosing better ways to relax and deal with anxiety.

Tomorrow never comes.

Everyone has their own goals that would make their life better in their perspective. I love talking to people, meeting people, and learning about who they are and what they’re passionate about. I probably get annoying to people because I am very open and upfront, and just outright ask them personal things. I have a lot of goals I am working on like getting my degree and attempting to save money to travel as much of the world as possible. But one of the biggest goals I have right now is to get back down to my ideal weight. Since I moved to the U.S several years ago I had a really hard time leaving everything I knew to just about be completely independent at 21. From there all my bad habits of eating poorly to deal with my anxiety came rushing back to haunt me on a daily basis. So, very gradually I gained a good chunk of weight that became harder and harder to lose. And it’s frustrating because before I moved out here I had changed my entire life and worked my tooshie off to get down to 125lbs and in the best shape of my life. I worked out daily, and ate a very healthy, clean diet. So you can only image how devastating it would be to gain 40lbs and absolutely hating the way you look.

When you gain weight you just feel uncomfortable with yourself, heavy, and fatigued. That’s pretty obvious.

But, it just gets to be a self-destructive cycle of: I’m depressed about my weight, I need to lose weight, I’m depressed though so I’m going back to old tricks, crap I shouldn’t have done that, now I’m still overweight. The worst thing for me is procrastination. I think the biggest reason why I haven’t lost the weight in the several years I’ve lived here is because I keep putting it off. I keep saying it’s not a good time to start, and that I can start next week, or tomorrow, or when Jesus returns. But it never happens. Tomorrow never comes.

It’s definitely related to a lot of other things too like not having a support network around me. The only person I really have in my life right now is my husband. Everyone else I know is back home. I think being so isolated is what makes it easy to just get into this naive frame of mind where you keep deluding yourself and saying, “You know what, I’m not HUGE though. I’m not AWFUL. It’s not THAT bad.” You’re looking in the mirror at yourself sideways, sucking in and going, “I look totally fine!” Yet at the same time you’ve become all but agoraphobic and your life is akin to that of a hermit crab. I think that’s a red flag….

An introduction.

I don’t really know how to write the first post of a blog, but basically I am starting this blog as a fun project to sort of have somewhere to talk “out loud”. Since I moved to the other side of the world I feel like I live on a deserted island, and being in my late 20s it’s hard to make friends because most people already have their group of friends. I’ve always loved creative writing, and doing creative things in general. I wanted a space where I could bring a lot of the things I want to do into consciousness because it’s so easy to become complacent and unmotivated with the minutiae of every day life. Coming from a family where depression is also genetic it is easy to want to just fall into that dark frame of mind and not do anything, so I want to push myself to really make the things I want happen.

I think it was about 5 years ago or longer when The Secret came out and everyone was really into the idea of visualization and understanding the law of attraction. I think a lot of people, including myself, also thought that every thought we had was going to manifest itself immediately, so anytime I’d have a negative thought I’d freak out and think I was screwing up my life! But I think it is possible to really create the exact life that you want; I hope so anyway! It seems like you just really have to be sure of what you want, and be specific. You can’t just say that you want a big house, or a luxury car, or to be a millionaire. Not only do you have to be specific, you have to have pure intent and purpose behind it. Just wanting to be a millionaire so you can buy designer goods and be on permanent vacation isn’t going to cut it. What you want to make happen has to truly be what would make you feel joy in your life, and like you’re alive, and living your true purpose. It’s what makes you feel passionate. I’m sure we’d all love a BMW and a brand new house on the beach, but if that’s not completely aligned with your true purpose then it’s not really worth pining over. Also, once you are really living the life you have created for yourself, a lot of those things can come naturally.

Regardless, I feel like the message of that documentary was there long before it came out. What really resonates with me is when I speak to people much older than myself, like a family friend who is almost 70 and retired and he himself told me that, “You have to be the mastermind of your own life. You create your life, whatever you want it to be, it’s up to you.” I think the best people to learn from are often people with the most experience. Just looking at how I think now compared to when I was 18 for example, is completely different. The older you get the more you realize what’s really important in life. So to hear people in retirement tell me that life should be about whatever I want it to be, and all the trivial things, the obligations, are not worth the time, really makes you stop and think.